Killers

Photo: allmoviephoto.com

Starring Ashton Kutcher, Katherine Heigl, Tom Sellek and Catherine O'Hara. Directed by Robert Luketic. 100 minutes. PG

Killers is a waste of 100 minutes. Simply put, it's not a good movie. And while it does suck, it doesn't rile you up so badly that you can't stop talking about how much you hate it. It's not funny, the acting is bad and the chemistry is awkward. Why does the world waste money on movies like these when there are starving people in the world? I mean really, how many tens of millions of dollars got tossed around on this film that could have been spent saving dying children? This is not what films are for. At least if the movie isn't touching or funny or nail-biting, it should be something mind-numbing that the audience can escape to. Instead, Killers wastes time, money and talent. Ok, so it is riling me up, but that's only because I have to write about it. Otherwise, I'd just shrug my shoulders.

In Killers, Jen (Katherine Heigl) goes on vacation with 'rents (Catherine O'Hara and Tom Selleck) to gorgeous Nice, France, where she meets Spencer (Ashton Kutcher) in an elevator. He works for a top secret government agency killing people but obviously, it's a secret. They fall in love in a day. Well, a day and a montage but who really cares, it feels like a day. Then by power of movie magic, it's three years later and they're married. Then people start shooting at them so they steal cars to drive away. That's about it really.

Heigl and Kutcher are odd to watch on-screen. While Heigl seems to be trying to create some form of palpable chemistry, Kutcher seems detached. It almost feels as if he doesn't even want to be in the film. He doesn't seem to be speaking to Heigl but rather speaking at her. Spencer seems like a terrible husband. Aside from the fact that he's hiding the biggest secret of his life from his wife, he doesn't seem to pay attention to when she speaks or even look like he enjoys holding her in his arms.

Neither of them are funny in this film either. While Heigl works best in drama (Grey's Anatomy), her film career is stuffed with rom-coms and she doesn't seem to realize that she's better than that. Doesn't she remember when she called the Grey's writers out for giving her a shoddy script to work with? Kutcher, on the other hand, once reined as king of teen comedy. His golden years are encapsulated by his That '70s Show run from 1998-2006. And even though Dude, Where's My Car? wasn't so well received, Kutcher fans loved it. He was good at playing dumb. Maybe he felt had to grow up. Even though it still works for Adam Sandler, Will Ferrell, Mike Meyers, Tracy Morgan and so many countless others who sell a film on a namedrop.

Well, anyway, save the precious moments of your life. Spend the evening channel surfing at home. Who knows, maybe you'll come across a That '70s Show rerun. F