You know when you're talking to someone you think is like totally happening in a far out way and they ask if you've seen their favourite movie and you lie and say you seen "parts of it" because you don't want to seem like a total pop culture pariah? Yeah, we do too - and we hate ourselves for it! That's why we're vowing to watch at least one movie we've put off, ignored, rejected or just plain-out forgot about every week from now on. Join us as recount the popping of our cinematic cherries, complete with awkward, over-analytical details!
Photo: impaawards.com
THE THING
DATE RELEASED: June 25, 1982
DATE ACTUALLY WATCHED: October 8, 2011
WHY NOW? The scene-for-scene remake—er, prequel?—of this cult classic (which follows a research team in Antarctica who have to turn against one another when an alien starts inhabiting their bodies) comes out next Friday and I want to be able to critique it with the best of the sci-fi horror nerds and John Carpenter connoisseurs.
WHY NOT THEN? It came out seven years before I was born.
WHY NOT THEN? It came out seven years before I was born.
EXPECTATIONS:
- Kurt Russell, being extraterrestrially badass.
- Lots of gnarly, pre-CGI make-up that puts modern stuff to shame.
- Gorgeous snow-bank cinematography.
- An overwhelming, heart-freezing ending.
- Basically 30 Days of Night, minus the vamps, plus a body-snatching alien.
- Kurt Russell being extraterrestrially badass and grungy sexy with a hobo beard, drinking problem and flame thrower.
- An awesomely cheesy, 1980s opening, complete with an animated UFO and overdone title card.
- AMAZING make-up and animatronics, making it possible to make it look like a dog’s face is getting ripped in half and unearthing a tentacled beast—among other disgustingly awesome things.
- A haunting score by none other than Ennio Morricone!
- The uncle from My Girl/My Girl 2!
- THIS GUY.
- Lots of lead-up time, not so much action. And not in a bad way. If you’ve seen Halloween, Carpenter’s other absolute-best, you know what I mean.
- A simple, wholly affecting story that doesn’t get too wrapped up in confusing, unnecessary scientific explanation and focuses on the characters and their reactions to the horrors manifesting in front of—and in some cases, within!—them.
- An underwhelming, but still chilling ending.
Definite second date potential, but not immediately. While I definitely enjoyed and appreciated this classic, which I’m calling Aliens in the Arctic, I’m not sure The Thing is, uh, something I could rewatch on a regular basis. I’ll wait until I’ve forgotten the majority of the gory details, so I can be sufficiently grossed out again.
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