Vampires Suck

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(Lame.)

Starring Jenn Proske, Matt Lanter and Diedrich Bader. Directed by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. 85 Minutes. PG

Someone had to do it. They were asking for it. I mean, those Twi-hards are just too easy of a target. Sure, there have already been countless spoofs and punchlines but Edward's cherry lips and Kristen Stewart's bad acting are more than enough for feature-length mockery. Although even the coolest of us were fangirls at some point, it's just too much fun to laugh at the sight of girls crying and swooning over a sparkley, sickly-pale dude and a cheesy beefcake.

Too bad Vampires Suck fails to hit the seemingly simple mark. The film follows the same train as the other parodies Friedberg and Seltzer are knows for: Date Movie, Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans and Epic Movie. Again, it's a series of sketches based around a loose storyline. And like the others, most jokes are so over-the-top that they aren't funny. As usual, you don't get the jokes unless you know what they're parodying, which means that if you hate the Twilight series and would love nothing more than to spend an hour an a half laughing at the obsessive fans, you can't. So in other words, the biggest jokes are missed by those who would have laughed the hardest.

Not that the story is important, but Becca (Jenn Proske) has just moved to a new town with her dad (Diedrich Bader) where she meets and falls in love with vampire Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter) and becomes friends with Jacob White (Chris Riggi), who both tag along with the ridiculous plot line and unfunniness.

It's tough to mention any of the over-scripted jokes when none of them were really memorable. Some blood jokes, some emotional teen jokes, Gaga, Jersey Shore, blah blah. What was memorable though were appearances by MADtv alum Crista Flanagan and Ike Barinholtz, who, for their very short scenes, didn't suck like the rest of the film. Well, didn't suck as badly.

Anyway, if you want to see how a Twilight parody is done, check out Jimmy Fallon's Bothered sketches, don't waste your time straining this film for a laugh - if you're lucky enough to even get one. D

The Last Airbender

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(Not much to see here.)

Starring Noah Ringer, Dev Patel and Nicola Peltz. Directed by M. Night Shyamalan. 103 minutes. PG

You're probably wondering what the hell an airbender is. But don't watch the film to find out; it'll leave you wondering a whole lot more, namely, what the point of it all is.

In The Last Airbender, races are categorized by elements: Air, Water, Earth and Fire. The film begins with brother and sister Sokka (Jackson Rathbone) and Katara (Nicola Peltz), members of the Southern Water Tribe, trekking through an icy passage. Katara is a waterbender, meaning she can manipulate water for use as a weapon. She's practicing her "bending" when she melts a patch of ice, revealing a massive marble-like iceberg. She smashes it, it melts and inside is Aang and his six-legged flying bison.

Aang is the last airbender, but since there are no more existing airbenders, he must be the reincarnation of the Avatar, able to bend all elements. There's also Zuko (Dev Patel), a Fire Nation prince banished by his father and ordered to capture the Avatar. His father, Fire Lord Ozai (Cliff Curtis) is also out to catch the Avatar so that he does not have to redeem his son. Nothing really makes much sense or seems to have a point before the halfway mark.

Patel aside, most of the acting seems out of a low-budget, local television show, adults and children alike. Of course, it is a kids film so they probably didn't pay any attention to it but if you aren't nine years old, it's unbearable at times. On the other hand, Patel plays the role of evil well. Maybe a bit too much in scenes of anger, but his anguish seems genuine. You almost want cold-hearted papa Ozai to ask for forgiveness and hug his poor, abandoned son.

The only other captivating part of this film would have to be the visuals. A glossy, floating orb of water, spilling in small lashes as Katara bends it through the air seems all too real. And creatures like Aang's bison are interesting enough to steal the entire scene. Then again, there's not much to steal from.

If feels as if there's much more the story that we aren't being told, yet at the same time, we are being told so much. Although nothing seems to fit together. It bogs the entire film down. You're too busy trying to piece together the back story that the hollow plot floats on by. D

DVD: The Bounty Hunter

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(Pretty much sums it up.)

Starring Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler. Directed by Andy Tenant. 110 minutes. PG

In the trailer for The Bounty Hunter, we find out that Milo (Gerard Butler) is a bounty hunter, hunting his ex-wife Nicole (Jennifer Aniston). In The Bounty Hunter, Milo is a bounty hunter, hunting his ex-wife Nicole. That's all we ever really need to know in order to keep on top of this rom-com, although there are several pointless, confusing B stories.

Nicole has skipped bail for a petty crime and Milo has been tasked with putting her behind bars for the sum of $5000, which he says is a big deal to him, although he's already fully decked out his apartment in classy furni and art under Nicole's credit card some unknown time in their relationship. (If they were together, why does he need his own apartment? If they weren't, why did he have her credit card?) In an unnecessary addition to the aforementioned plot line, two bozos chase Milo, claiming that he owes their boss money (who just seems to be a random rich woman). And supposed reporter, Nicole, is trying to break a story about a murder disguised as a suicide and her confidential undercover source has been kidnapped by a man who owns a tattoo parlour, who is also now chasing her because she knows too much. Oh and she's also being stalked by some dorky dude from work who thinks they're a couple because they made out once when she was drunk but then he gets kidnapped too, by one of the bozos.

The side-stories are about as pointless as the entire film. All that really (and clearly) propels the story is the fact that Milo is chasing Nicole, which isn't much at all. He chases her the entire film. When he has her, he handcuffs her. Then she tries to get away. So he chases her. And repeat.

There also isn't much to laugh at. There are a few one-liners from supporting cast but who even really remembers what they were. It makes you realize how un-funny (but still vital) Rachel was on Friends. And then you miss Friends.

Although visually, Butler and Aniston seem a pretty pair, and maybe even are in real life (or "were" or "were never," ah, the tabloids), but here, we see next to nothing, aside from a little effort on Butler's part. When Nicole cries at one point remembering their honeymoon, Milo gets up to comfort her and it really seems genuine. But then she knocks him down so we see no more secretly-sweet Milo, rendering his efforts pointless, much like the rest of the film.

Really, it's useless when an un-funny rom-com isn't even cheesy enough to poke fun at. To end on the high point of the film, that was a pretty sweet car Milo drove. D

EXTRAS: Featurettes

DVD: The Wolfman

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Starring Benicio Del Toro, Emily Blunt, Anthony Hopkins and Hugo Weaving. Directed by Joe Johnston. 119 minutes (extended cut). Unrated

Even if you watched this film alone on a full moon night in an empty, ancient mansion, secluded from society, you would not fear The Wolfman.

Set long ago, when people rode carriages and wore bonnets, The Wolfman begins with Lawrence Talbot's (Benicio Del Toro) search to solve the mystery of his brother's death. One night, when Lawrence is hot on the tail of the vicious beast ravaging the town, he gets caught off-guard and his inevitable transformation begins.

What's wrong with The Wolfman is it's not very frightening and it's not very memorable, two things that a horror film needs to be. What good is a horror film if it doesn't leave you trembling under the covers for nights to come? Isn't that why we watch them?

The Wolfman is too obvious in-your-face to truly scare. The man in the fur suit looks like a man in a fur suit. It would have scarier to catch partial glimpses and silhouettes of the Wolfman, rather than showing his costumed-face in full. The myth of the mysterious Wolfman is also not very captivating. The townspeople say that supposedly there is a Wolfman that lurks the woods on full moon nights, and then we see the Wolfman. There isn't enough time to build up the lore.

The setting, however, is creepy. Think a less spooky Sleepy Hollow, but spooky nonetheless. Shady trees, wispy shadows and a creaky, old mansion help create a dark, gloomy background to the story - speaking of which, is very unmemorable.

It's hard to recount the story (and I've seen the film twice). Scenes seem pointless, filled with empty dialogue, bogging the plot back. Ask someone who has seen the film to tell you what it's about; they can probably do it justice under 10 words.

It's sad that such a great cast of actors were given such a shabby story to work with. Two Oscar winners and a Golden Globe winner surely went to waste. Though that said, there was often too strong a hint of modernity in actors' voices. It was like actors from 2010 were trying very hard to sound as if they were from 1891. That aside, performances were as expected, top-notch.

Unfortunately, great performances don't save the film. To be blunt, it's boring. With heavier dose of suspense, it may have been mildly enjoyable. Spend your time catching some zzz's instead. Better yet, let the film lull you to sleep. D

EXTRAS: Deleted and extended scenes, alternate endings, full-length 1941 film The Wolf Man

Shrek Forever After

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(Shrek has a mid-series crisis.)

Starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz, Antonio Banderas and Walt Dohrn. Directed by Mike Mitchell. 93 minutes.

Once upon a time (in Hollywood), a saucy overweight ogre and his motor-mouthed "stead" were the key to box-office gold, reeling in movie-goers and media people alike with their random similes (I forget, are ogres like onions or parfaits?) and oh-so-timely pop culture references. That time was long gone. Now, it seems the once-delightfully dastardly duo have become lifeless mirages of the satirical staples they once were.

Shrek Forever After is by far the least interesting of the Shrek franchise (but then again, it hasn't been lively since Shrek the Third hit theatres...). Whereas the previous installments aimed to appeal to both fart-friendly kiddies and innuendo-loving parentals, this movie seems to aimed strictly at the wee ones (at least in terms of humour). And it doesn't even really hit the mark with that market.

The flick, which can been seen in 2-D or 3-D (Note: I went the duo-dimensional route), follows everyone's favourite green guy (Mike Myers) as he struggles to accept the menial routine that is parenthood, while coping with his overwhelming celebrity status. His three little ogre babies are just about to turn one, and he's just about ready to pull his armpit hair out. With many a diaper to change, mouth to feed, and fan to ward off, Shrek barely has any time for you know, good old ogre stuff (mud baths, washroom time, terrorizing villagers...).

Desperate to win back some me time, he turns to Rumpelstiltskin (voiced by a thoroughly annoying dude named Walt Dohrn) and his magical clauses. Little does he know, Rumpy has his own special wish he's looking to see come true too. In order to get a chance to be a regular ogre for a day, Shrek has to give up a day from his past. You'll never guess which day the old munchkin takes...

The rest of the film has Shrek struggling to regain his relationships with Fiona (Cameron Diaz), Donkey (Eddie Murphy) and Puss (Antonio Banderas). He meets a few new faces along the way including a gang of renegade ogres played by TV hot shots Jon Hamm (Mad Men), Jane Lynch (Glee) and Craig Robinson (The Office), who are the comedic highlight of this fairly unfunny fairytale (Robinson's running chimichanga joke is the best of the lot). But even their lines are nowhere near as legendary as some of the gems from the original and it's almost superior sequel.

The one thing director Mike Mitchell (Sky High, Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigalo) gets right is the animation. The characters still look fresh yet fanciful, bringing the limp plot to half-life. The new additions are quite clever, particularly Jon Hamm's character, Brogan . He has his stark chin and everything.

Like a story-bought gingerbread house, this Shrek crumbles far too quickly without quick-witted support and quirky, storybook characters. The final act drags on too long and the lame story will have the younger crowd running far, far away - from their booster seats. D