Never Seen It! Sunday: Showgirls

You know when you're talking to someone you think is like totally happening in a far out way and they ask if you've seen their favourite movie and you lie and say you seen "parts of it" because you don't want to seem like a total pop culture pariah? Yeah, we do too—and we hate ourselves for it! That's why we're vowing to watch at least one movie we've put off, ignored, rejected or just plain-out forgot about every week from now on. Join us every other Sunday as we recount the popping of our cinematic cherries, complete with awkward, over-analytical details!

Photo: moviegoods.com

SHOWGIRLS

DATE RELEASED: September 22, 1995

DATE ACTUALLY WATCHED: May 29, 2011

WHY NOW? I've read and heard a lot about Showgirls over the years as it seems to top almost every best-of-the-worst list (and earned the most Razzie Award noms ever!). And as you may or may not know, bad movies are pretty much my bread and butter (See: Terribly Awesome!). But I  never actually sat down to watch this particular cinematic disaster. So when new favourite Friends-ly sitcom, Happy Endings, built an extended joke around it a few weeks back, and I failed to get it, I decided it was time for us to be formally introduced.

WHY NOT THEN?: I have wanted to see Showgirls since I got my Mom's review of it back when it was first released: "Disgusting. Just disgusting." I mean, what could be more perversely intriguing? (Well, other than the fact that it starred Jessie Spano—known to non-Bayside Tigers as Elizabeth Berkley). If I had been at least 16 years old, when it came out, I would have been on it like Screech on Lisa in the pre-College Years. But alas, I was only 5. And thought showgirls were simply sparkly bikini-wearing beauty queens/back-up dancers.

EXPECTATIONS:

• Jessie Spano in her birthday suit!
• Jessie Spano in her birthday suit, making out with that that blonde-bitch-from-Pretty-in-Pink's brunette gym class BFF!
• Trey MacDougal being a first-class asshole.
• Las Vegas at its absolute flashiest. Pun intended.
• Vaseline-chic cinematography. If you've seen at least one minute of my favourite show, RuPaul's Drag Race, you know what I'm talking about.
• Something to do with an attempted staircase murder.
• LOTS of excessive nudity.
• LOTS of terrible dialogue.
• LOTS of velvet, glitter, floral, neon and leopard.
• A back story that is best described as Burlesque with private dancers.

WHAT I ACTUALLY GOT...

• Jessie Spano in her birthday suit—for twenty whole minutes.
  
• Jessie Spano briefly making out with that that blonde-bitch-from-Pretty-in-Pink's brunette gym class BFF (Gina Gershon)! In a floral crop top.
• Trey MacDougal being a first-class asshole—with a mushroom cut!
• Jake Fratelli playing a blow job-obsessed exotic dance captain/pimp who gives Elizabeth Berkley's character her first big Vegas break.
• A definite attempted staircase murder.
• Lots and LOTS of excessive nudity.
• Lots and LOTS of terrible writing. For example: When this dude tries to sleep with Elizabeth Berkley's character (Nomi Malone),  she says she has her period. He says, "Yeah right!" She says, "Check!" He does and then says, "Hey, I've got towels!"
• LOTS of velvet, glitter, floral, neon, leopard and pink plastic beaded curtains!
• The best camptastic lion-cloth heavy opening dance number since Satan's Alley.
• A topless stud-heavy biker dance-off that could be an NC-17 cut of Gaga's next video.
• Is that Tyce Diorio in a caveman wig?!
• A whole lot of love for sassy acrylic crack whore nails.
• Girlie bonding over a life long love of...Doggy Chow.
• A back story that is best described as Burlesque with private dancers who double as prostitutes and the men and women that love them.

ONE NIGHT-IN STAND OR SECOND DATE POTENTIAL? While I really did enjoy watching this trashy train wreck a lot more than I probably should have, I'm not sure if it was just bad movie lust (I've had a bit of a dry spell in terms of quality crap lately!) or love. Maybe a second viewing will do the trick? Well, once I get over seeing the woman who should have been Mrs. A.C. Slater make helpless dudes so excited and so scared at the same, really skanky time.